How to be a lying turd…

Humans are particularly dishonest creatures. We are almost always lying. Mostly to ourselves. This is because the secret to being able to lie convincingly is to first convince yourself that the lie is true. This is not easy, but there are ways to do it:

1. Dismiss — When ever you hear or see information that does not conform to your narrow narrative you must simply dismiss it: “That information is not important or relevant to me!” When facts get in the way of your story that means the facts are not important. Move on!

2. Distort — You should never acknowledge facts that go against your narrative, but sometimes you just cannot dismiss them as unimportant and irrelevant. Instead you must distort what the facts actually mean: “The facts don’t really mean what you think they mean! They mean something else!” Essentially you must take the clear meaning of the facts and twist them into something entirely different, and then demand that your spin on the facts are the only truth: “Who are you going to trust; me or your lying eyes?” Repetition helps a lot during this process. It is the art of spinning. Don’t give up! Just keep repeating your side of the story. Eventually you will convince yourself, and perhaps others as well.

3. Distract — If dismissing and distortion does not work, you need to start finding other things to distract yourself and other from the truth. The world is filled with interesting and totally irrelevant stories about actors getting pregnant or adopting children, athletes being arrested, etc. Focus on distracting news stories and gossip. In other words change the subject, and pretend you never heard anything.

4. Discredit — If dismissing, distorting, and distracting yourself and others from unpleasant facts does not work you are left with one last option: find someone or something to hate, and then relentlessly attack him, her, them, it, etc. This is particularly important if they are spouting nonsense such as the truth. In a pinch anybody or anything will work, but remember when you pick on a totally innocent person there is a risk that people will sympathize with him, her, it, etc., so try to find someone who is at least unattractive. Shallow stupid people enjoy seeing unattractive people being insulted and attacked. Remember, anyone who even remotely threatens to disclose the facts, even by accident, is not only your enemy, but is also a very bad person. Uncover (or create) embarrassing facts about their private lives in order to discredit them, attack their family and business associates with lies and innuendo. Or just call them names; fascist, nazi, hater, etc. Do anything that will discredit them — they are your enemies! If you cannot dismiss, distort or distract the facts, you must work to discredit any source of information contrary to your narrative: “How can you believe anything from people who are so BAD!!!!??? They are EVIL!!!!” These enemies MUST BE DISCREDITED in anyway you can so that nothing they say can ever be trusted. They must not be listened to! The louder and more shrill you are the better since it helps you to block out whatever your enemy is saying. You don’t want to yourself or anyone else to even accidentally hear any of that!

There you have it. The most common way most people fool themselves into believing obvious lies. It works even better if you join in with other people and follow these 4 easy steps. The larger the group the easier it is to accept lies and falsehoods. Delusion loves crowds! The best thing about being a total liar in a crowd of other total liars is that you too can be a total liar while holding yourself out as virtuous. Awesome!